I’ve lived most of my life with ZERO emotional boundaries in place. I was basically living in an emotional free-for-all, with some pretty twisted concepts of what constituted unconditional love and completely unable to spot and identify toxic relationships among my friends and family.
About a decade ago, when the toxic relationships in my life had reached a breaking point (specifically, I was at the breaking point!) my eyes opened up for the first time to the concept of healthy boundaries when reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Like a fledgling bird, I attempted for the very first time to lay down boundaries and assert myself among individuals who were producing unhealthy levels of anxiety in my life with emotional abuse.. and I basically floundered. Looking back now, it’s kind of cringe-worthy. Nothing undermines your authority like laying down boundaries and then letting others (and yourself!) proceed to walk all over them!
Like every other human being on planet earth, I have some toxic relationship dynamics among some of my family and friends. These toxic relationships have been directly responsible for a lot of emotional and psychological heartache and stress in my life. I’ve identified a lot of internal negative chatter, limiting thinking and harmful self-soothing practices such as binge eating and drinking to these toxic relationships and my inability to handle them in a healthy or objective way. It’s a work in progress – especially when it comes to taking personal responsibility for how I react to others! – but it has been a journey well worth taking.
In recent years, and this past year in particular, I have had some massive breakthroughs in taking responsibility for myself, my thoughts, and my actions, and I have found it easier to cut out toxic people and toxic friendships from my life. I have been better able to manage boundaries among family members who do not acknowledge or respect boundaries in general. It’s been such a weight off my shoulders and my soul feels so much lighter, as I re-learn, every day and after every encounter where my boundaries are challenged, what constitutes real unconditional love.
Unconditional love is a weighty term for something that most of us don’t really understand. I know I didn’t for the first two decades of my life. And because of this, it often creates a justification for staying in unhealthy dynamics. When I first set boundaries for myself and explained where my boundaries lie, I was personally attacked for being “unloving” or “selfish”. This confusing feedback from people I loved and respected assisted in derailing my initial attempts to set boundaries for myself. But I have come to see with crystal clarity that setting boundaries is anything but unloving or selfish.. it is an act of self-love!
Unconditional love does NOT mean love without limits or bounds. It simply means that when we offer our love, we offer it without expectation of repayment. It is offering love without “strings attached.” It is saying, I love you, even if and when you disrespect my boundaries. But when you disrespect my boundaries, I love and respect myself enough to remove myself from this toxic environment.
The bottom line is, it is not healthy to offer love without boundaries. Unconditional love means loving someone through hardships, mistakes, and frustrations. When we enter relationships with other people, we are entering relationships with another human being — a person full of quirks and flaws and challenges. And we also show our own quirks and flaws and challenges. One of the most beautiful experiences in human life is learning to lean into the tension of those challenges by offering connection, love, and understanding.
Healthy relationships require basic expectations to be fulfilled — kindness, respect, and safety. When these are not fulfilled, we have to have hard boundaries in place. These boundaries might look like distancing yourself or cutting off contact for a spell, or even entirely. You owe yourself safety, respect, and kindness. You can and should walk away from people that you love very much in order to take care of your own needs and safety.
I have come to learn that repeated offenses from certain people who disregard my boundaries is emotional draining. I have come to be VERY sensitive of how my energy flows and where it is spent, and knowing that I will be placing myself in an environment where my energy is sucked away and turned sour because my boundaries are not respected, is just simply not worth it at this point in my life as I commit myself and my energy to my children, my husband, my home, my career and my own well-being. When someone “steals” my energy through disrespecting personal boundaries that I have clearly outlined and set in place, they are essentially “stealing” from my kids, myself, my career, etc. It’s not worth the cost. AND THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON!! Realizing this has been such freedom, you have no idea.
When viewed in this context, I am no longer heartbroken and distraught over a “hard” or fractured relationship. I simply understand now that I can offer my love unconditionally, but I also respect and love myself enough to limit my exposure to emotional abuse when it occurs. Dysfunctional relationships that once drove me to tears and self-abuse no longer hold power over me.. I have essentially reclaimed my power through healthy boundaries.
This article from Family Therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw states it perfectly:
“Love without boundaries can and will lead to unhappiness at least and abuse at worst. If we do not let our partners, parents, children, and friends know where we stand in terms of how we expect and need to be treated, then we will not have an equal voice in the relationship. We cannot ignore the need for boundaries in the name of “unconditional love.” If we do, we are not offering unconditional love. We are offering codependent love. In codependent relationships, we are so set on maintaining the dynamics in the relationships that we excuse or enable unacceptable and toxic behavior.
There’s a distinct line between loving someone through the hardships vs. accepting unacceptable behavior. If someone has harmed you and they are not willing to repair it, then you NEED to set a limit for your own well-being. If you find that the relationship has devolved into behavior that lacks kindness and respect, then it’s likely that a boundary needs to be set. This is especially true if you have tried to communicate clearly and still see no change. If you are enabling the person in a way that negatively affects your well-being, that isn’t unconditional love — it’s unhealthy, toxic, codependent love.
While we can offer unconditional love to others (even when they are being difficult), we don’t have to offer love without bounds. You can offer love that has no strings attached while still having boundaries. Unconditional love with healthy boundaries might sound like: “I love you, and I have to take space from you when you speak to me that way.””
As my self-love increases, so does my capacity to truly love those in my life, even those who have harmed me in the past. I am fully committed to loving myself and others in an unconditional way, while standing firm by my boundaries, and respecting others boundaries as well. I am committed to being transparent, and offering open communication and transparency in all of my interactions. I will let others know in a loving way what I expect in my relationships. And I will allow people the freedom to choose if they want to freely love and respect me in return. If they cannot or will not, I accept the fact that it is not a reflection on me, and I can choose to own my actions and continue offering love, all while loving myself enough to remove myself from situations and relationships that are not healthy.
CURRENT STATS
Start Weight (May 15, 2020): 201 pounds
Current Weight (June 9, 2020): 188.4
Total Pounds Lost (Since May 15, 2020): 12.6
Pounds Left to Lose to Reach Goal Weight of 130 pounds: 58.4
Very insightful post. Healthy boundaries are so important .
I agree. I wish I had been taught this information as a kid. I am VERY committed to passing this information on to my children…