I’m currently reading Suffering Is Optional by Cheri Huber because my weight loss journey has tumbled me right down a crazy rabbit hole by asking “What is my ego and is it me? Is it separate from me? Am I my ego? If I’m not my ego, who or what am I?”
Big freaking questions. And all this started because of reading that damn “Never Binge Again” book, where it suggested you take your inner dialogue that seeks to harm you through binge eating and self-sabotage, and label it as “The Pig” and essentially “Put the pig back in its cage, because you are the boss.”
I did that.. and it appears to be working.. but now I hear this voice (The Pig) making suggestions, attempting to undermine me, talking to me in ways I would never tolerate from anyone else, and as I lock it in it’s “cage” to pursue a life of freedom from it’s destruction, I have to ask.. who is this “Pig”? Is it me? If so, why am I like this? Why am I trying to hurt myself by undermining my weight loss and wellness efforts? If it’s not me, who is it? Most would say it’s my ego. Okay that well and good.. but then….
What the heck is the ego? Is the ego evil? Is it bad? Should I be “locking it up” and calling it names as the book “Never Binge Again” suggests, or should I be loving and compassionate and reason with it as the book “A Course in Weight Loss” suggests? Should I try to tame it? Change it? Dissolve it? Kill it even? Can you even do that?
Like, holy fuck, I feel like I’m having a mid-life existential crisis over here.
My whole life I have been able to view my negative self-talk, self-sabotage and inner voice chatter as wholly, completely and undeniably “me”. When my inner talk got negative or dark, I assumed it’s because I was born into a world of sin, and therefore I am at the core a negative or dark person struggling to walk in the light. OR I would assume that I was under some kind of spiritual attack and that the thoughts / content in my head MUST be from an outside source infiltrating my inner mind sanctum.
But recently, after setting some lofty but obtainable goals at the beginning of 2020, and then immediately spiraling down into a self-destructive binge eating hell, I realized by the stark contrast that I undeniably have two VERY different inner voices with two VERY different desires, wants, expectations and ways of talking living in my head. There’s the me that strives to grow, evolve, pursue joy and shed all limited beliefs, and then there’s the me that wants to sabotage, destroy, tear down and wallow in defeat before I even begin.
Separating them like naughty children and naming the destructive one “The Pig” and mentally locking it in a cage has been insanely liberating. It’s working. I’m not binge eating, I don’t even feel the need to (because the “need” came from The Pig and The Pig is in it’s Cage). I feel in control once again. I feel less confused. I feel empowered, capable, strong.
But I cannot deny – detaching myself from the identity of “The Pig” has made me feel more human and innocent and ME than I have in a long time.. It has also been easier to forgive myself for my past self-destructive bouts of overeating and binging and drinking, because “That wasn’t really me”.
But if it wasn’t really “me”…. then I’m back to asking… “What or who is The Pig?!?!?!”
It’s my ego? Okay. Then…
“What or who is my ego?!?!”
“What or who am I in relation to my ego and/or The Pig?!?!?”
So yeah. Massive confusion. I am seriously beginning to realize the value of running off to a mountain retreat to spend some solid time pondering these existential questions and general mysteries of the universe.
Anyhoo, so back to this book I’m reading right now. Someone recommended Suffering is Optional as a good primer workbook on letting go of the ego and finding your “higher self”, so I bought a copy for about $10 on Amazon.
I binge read the book cover to cover to get a grasp of what it contained before I started on the individual lessons. I have to say… from what I read I am just as lost as I was before. Maybe even more so? So much of what was talked about flew right over my head. And a portion of what was stated did not ring true to me or just seemed contradictory to itself, which left me wondering if I was missing the point or misinterpreting the meanings..? I don’t know.
Since the book is so short and the lessons so few, I figure I will add them to my morning routine and give them a solid go.. maybe I’ll have some lightbulb moments and reach some insights into the questions I’ve been asking. In the meantime, if any of you have any book recommendations for me during this random ass soul search, PLEASE drop your recommendations in the comments below or throw them my way in an e-mail or private message!
And if you’re interested in checking out the book, you can buy it on Amazon by CLICKING HERE. Also, here is the book blurb from Amazon:
Suffering Is Optional: Three Keys to Freedom and Joy centers around three basic aspects of Zen practice: pay attention, believe nothing, and don’t take anything personally. As ending suffering requires that one sees how suffering happens, the book urges readers to be willing to be quiet and pay attention to the process of suffering in effort to see each moment as an opportunity to step beyond illusion into freedom. It also argues that examining beliefs, abandoning them, and returning attention to the present is essential to ending suffering, as is living in the awareness that nothing in the universe is personal.
